Guest post by my wife Amy…
Yep. Baby is on board.
God is in control. I am not. You would think I would have gotten it by now, but no. I have to keep reminding myself, God is in control. I am not. Never has this been more evident than in the joys & pain of being a mother.
In March 2006, after our baby Claire died, the guilt set in. I racked my brain about what I could have done to cause this. The doctor said it wasn’t my fault. It was a fluke thing but I couldn’t help but place the blame on me. I mean, I was the only one who had any control over the health of that precious little baby, right? Did I eat the right foods? Did I exercise too much? Was I too stressed? Did I take the right vitamins? Thankfully the LORD knew my heart and what I needed to hear. The Holy Spirit whispered to me, “God is in control. You are not.” I am responsible to be a good steward with what He has given me but I cannot control the outcome. God is in control. I am not.
After a poorly executed surgery, I was diagnosed with a rare complication called Asherman’s syndrome which often means infertility. I tried to figure out what I could do to “fix” it. We tried to plan when it would be best to have another child, but that only ended in a tubal pregnancy. Again I was reminded. God is in control. I am not.
My pregnancy with baby Ellie was virtually uneventful until labor began. However, as soon as my water broke, things rapidly turned critical. As I was being rushed through the hallways to have an emergency c-section, I quickly realized I had no control over the situation. Within a matter of minutes she was out of my womb but the situation was dire. After having lost half of her blood due to an undiagnosed rare pregnancy condition (vasa previa) she was barely clinging to life. I spent many long hours in the NICU watching her struggle to live. Again, I wondered what could I have done differently to prevent this condition? But again I was reminded, God is in control. I am not. It is such a helpless feeling to see your child struggle to survive and to be able to do nothing. I believe that is one reason God brought this into our lives. We could do nothing but trust Him. In a world where reward comes only to those who work hard and do something, doing nothing and trusting Him is unnatural. And hard. I remember thinking, we just wanted a normal pregnancy/birth. THIS IS NOT HOW I HAD PLANNED IT! But God is in control. I am not.
A second tubal pregnancy and the realization that we may be at the end of our childbearing years, brought me another reminder that God is in control. I am not. We briefly talked about fertility options but before we followed through with anything, we found out we were pregnant again. God is in control. I am not.
The nine months of expecting Charlotte were filled with fear and joy. Every Dr appointment was spent extensively searching for any signs of threat to her life. We wanted to control the outcome of this birth. No surprises this time. The routine c-section went as planned but my recovery was anything but routine. I was back in my room while Jeremy and the nurses were in the nursery with the baby. I started to feel like I was losing consciousness. I could not move and tried to call for help but nothing came out of my mouth. I felt completely helpless and like I was fading away. The nurse walked in and immediately called for backup. The room was flooded with hospital personnel to identify what was happening. After multiple tests and multiple blood transfusions, it was determined that I had massive internal bleeding. I would survive but the recovery would be slow. Again, THIS IS NOT HOW I HAD PLANNED IT! But God is in control. I am not.
The funny thing about recognizing that God is in control is that it releases me of the burden and guilt that tragedies bring. The only things I can control are my actions and my attitudes. I am not responsible for the result. So if I truly trust Him, I can rest easy in the fact that what He determines will bring Him the most glory. Whether by life or by death. If I place the outcome in His hands, then worry and fear have no place in my life. Can worrying add a single hour to my life? No. But it can certainly rob my joy.
Several weeks ago, we were again reminded that God is in control. We are not. Though I thought my body had not fully recovered from Charlotte’s birth 2 ½ years ago, we found out that we are expecting again.
December 25. Merry Christmas! Excitement, fear, and joy, all wrapped up in one present. The last 5 weeks have been rather emotional as complications have arisen. During one of my weak moments Jeremy pulled me close to him and said, “God is in control. We are not.” At this point, the baby looks okay, but the placenta is bleeding. If it doesn’t resolve itself there is a good chance we will lose the baby. Again, there is nothing we can do to control the outcome so we have to trust that His will is best, even if it is not the way we would have planned it. God gave us this baby and whether we are parents to this precious little one for 11 weeks gestation or many years to come, it is still a gift that we cherish.
I can spend this pregnancy worrying and fearing the worst. Or I can choose joy. Some days and moments the enemy whispers fear into my ear, but today, for this moment, I choose joy. Since God is in control of the outcome, I can lay aside the pressure, fear, and guilt, because He already knows what will happen and will allow whatever brings Him the most glory.