Tag Archives: Parenting

Who needs a ROLE MODEL?

I love sports.  I used to play baseball, football and basketball.  I still jog a few miles a week.  I also love watching sports.  Someone who loves watching sports usually finds themselves tuning into ESPN at least once a day to view the highlights of what has happened over the last twenty-four hours.  A few days ago as I was watching ESPN, I experienced a wave of emotions and thoughts that all came together and I realized how deluded we are in what we consider a “role model.”  This epiphany happened when I was watching younger girls who were interviewed about their hero, Danica Patrick.  These young girls wanted to be just like her.  Something about these interviews just didn’t sit well with me because of how she presents herself.

For those of you who might not know who Danica Patrick is, she is a thirty-one year old who is an auto racing star.  I do not want to take what she has done on the race track away from her.  I love it when women are not too “girly” for sports.  My wife is extremely athletic and she is willing to bait a hook.  I have three daughters and I want them to have all the opportunities that athletics provide.  In other words, I think it is great that Danica is racing NASCAR.  But what bothers me is how she has made herself famous.  It appears that even though she is a good race car driver, she has become famous for dressing up in bikinis and presenting herself in a way that demeans women.  I have sat through many Super bowls with my friends and I just cringe inside as one of her inappropriate commercials come on (hoping that my daughters are not in the room watching).  I know that millions of people love seeing this on television.  Men are visually attracted to how Danica presents herself.  But I am not just a man, I am a dad!  I have three daughters and when I was watching the young girls being interviewed on ESPN about how they looked up to Danica and wanted to be just like her, I didn’t hear any of them say that they wanted to do commercials with ninety percent of their bodies showing.

Let’s be honest here.  Why is she famous?  Is it because of her ability as a race car driver or is it because of her exploitation of her own body?  You might say, “Both.”  But is that what our society has become?  Become famous right now.  Do whatever you need to do in order to gather fame and fortune.  This is not what I want to teach my three daughters.

Over a decade ago, when Barry Bonds was being accused of taking steroids and people were having a hard time with him breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record, I told a few of my friends, “Don’t worry about Bonds, Alex Rodriquez will someday pass Bonds and might even get to 800 home runs.  And then we can say that someone who was clean [no steroid use] broke the record.”  I was wrong.  We all were deceived into thinking that this good-looking, athletic baseball player was “doing it the right way.”

For almost a decade now it appears that Rodriquez has been lying about using steroids.  This really makes me sad because when I was growing up these guys were my role models.  When I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, athletes were my role models.  I wanted to be just like them.  I sincerely thought that Charles Barkley was wrong when he stated: “I am not a role model.”   He is a role model.  Just not necessarily a good one.

Alex Rodriquez stated the other day, “I want to be a role model.”  He wants to be a role model to his daughters and to the world.  The key word here is “want.”  Just because we want something doesn’t mean that we will get it.  Rodriquez has gotten everything he has ever wanted: athletic talent, fortune, fame, women, everything.  Until now.  Just because he “wants” to be a good role model does not mean that he will be one.  He has cheated for too long.  His baseball numbers mean nothing anymore.  He has lied for too long.  How can anyone trust this guy?

I have gotten to the point in my life where athletes are no longer role models to me.  I no longer look up to singers and actors as people I want to be like when I get older.  I still love watching sports, listening to great music and watching a well done movie, but I don’t aspire to be like these people anymore.  I aspire to be myself, just how God made me with my own talents and gifts.  We should all get to that point eventually in our life.  The problem arises when our children are still going through the process of believing in people they shouldn’t believe in.

Years ago, before the advent of social media and non-stop coverage of humanity, our heroes could be unpleasant, dishonest, horrible fathers and we would never know it.  We still looked up to them because the only thing we knew about them was that they could hit the ball out of the ball park or sing a ballad that would bring you to tears.

But now that I have children, I don’t want them following someone who does not have the same values that I want to teach them.  I want them to learn honesty and purity and authenticity from those who are older than them.  So, what is a parent to do?  Should I not let my daughters “like” Danica because she doesn’t hold the same values I want for them?  I want my daughters to grow up with discernment so that they can decide who is worth following on twitter.

No matter what, our children will follow someone.  That is why it is so important to instill within your daughters and sons certain values that you hold high and let them know that the true role models in life are all around them in flesh and blood.  They are real.  They are your teachers to stretch your knowledge to new heights.  They are your coaches who give you the courage to accomplish things you never thought possible.  They are an uncle or aunt who has some free time to invest into your life.  They are your pastors who help your soul connect with God.

And role models are parents.  I was watching a movie the other night with my wife and there was a line that stuck in my mind as truth.  It was a story about a daughter and her dad who was mentally ill.  She said that children want to believe in their parents.  And even when they know that they shouldn’t, they still want to believe.  Parents, this is the power you hold over your child.  He or she wants to believe in you.  Live your life in such a way that you are worth emulating.  Even when they go through those awkward years and act like you don’t know anything, they still believe in you.  Know the power you have as a parent and use it to shape your child.  Teach them to not rely on “fake” role models.  Help them realize that they are surrounded by the real thing.  And there is nothing better than that!

Dad: Don’t Mess It Up!

“You get one chance.  You don’t want to mess it up.”  Those are some of the first words that came to mind when I was holding my first daughter when she was born.  I don’t know of any fathers who would deliberately want to mess up their children emotionally, spiritually or psychologically, but many dads do mess them up.  Why?  Because dads have believed the wrong things about what it means to be a dad.  With so many conflicting messages being thrown at dads today, how can he lead his son or daughter correctly?  Amazingly, how we are to raise a son or daughter is addressed in one verse of the New Testament

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Fathers should raise children in FAIRNESS.  If a man is fair with his kids, he will not provoke them to anger.  A passage in Colossians parallels this verse: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart” (3:21).  The idea behind the word exasperate is “do not embitter.”  This complements perfectly the word used in Ephesians 6:4 translated “provoke them to anger.”  This kind of anger in children springs from continual unfair treatment.  Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about because that’s how your father treated you—and that’s why you’ve struggled with bitterness and resentment toward him for so many years.

Habitual unfairness over the years results in an accumulation of anger that eventually embitters children toward their fathers.  There are several ways a father can embitter his children:

◾ Allow over-protection.   Little boys are aggressive because God has given them the potent male hormone called testosterone.  Testosterone makes little boys aggressive.  It’s part of being a male.  Therefore, one of the worst things you can do for a little boy is to overprotect him to much.  Little boys do foolish things that are aggressive.  They have not developed the wisdom that matures their God-given orientation to aggression.  They jump off the top of slides instead of sliding down them.  When they slip and fall on the concrete, they split open their knees.  When I watch some of my nephews, I think that it’s a miracle of God that any boy lives long enough to become a man.  In fourth grade, my class took a field trip to the Lincoln Museum in Fort Wayne, Indiana.  The entrance had revolving doors that people would take turns walking through carefully.  I cannot tell you why I did this but I stuck my head into the revolving doors.  I put my head in and then yanked it out at just the last minute.  I just wanted to see what would happen.  My teacher saw what I did and was horrified.  She screamed at me and said that I could have gotten my head cut off right then and there.  My punishment: I had to hold the teacher’s hand the entire time.  Don’t get me wrong, parents should protect their children, but being too overprotective causes them more confusion than you might even realize.

◾Favoritism.  Parents fail at this all the time, but you have to be determined as a parent to be as fair as possible to each of your children, or else bitterness will creep in. This doesn’t mean you treat them exactly the same but it does mean that you show equal amounts of love.  This is equally important for grandparents.  If you are a grandparent, how much time do you spend with your grandkids?  Do you have some of them over more than others?  In any family with more than one grandchild, it can be obvious to the kids that certain grandkids are given certain preferences more than others.  Well-meaning grandparents quickly find out just how hard it is to juggle several grandchildren and make all of them feel like they love them all equally.  But it is necessary if you want the children to not get embittered toward each other.  I know of a family where the grandma will have over one set of grandchildren to spend the night all the time, but she never offers to have the other ones over from her other children.  One day, one of the grandchildren who often gets left out asked his mom, “Why does grandma love so and so more than she loves me?  If she loved me, she would want to have me over to play with her.”  As parents and grandparents, we have to make sure that we are not favoring one over the other.

◾Discouragement.  Telling your children things like, “You’ll never amount to anything,” or “Can’t you do anything right?” can plague children for the rest of their lives.  This is one of the easiest ways to embitter a child without realizing what you’re doing.  This can especially be hard for a parent who has several children and all of them are excelling in a certain behavior, but there is one who struggles.  A parent should never compare one child with the next.  One father I know loves baseball.  He had two sons that he genuinely loved.  His oldest son was great at baseball, but the younger son just wasn’t as athletic and therefore wasn’t the star of the team like his older brother was.  The older son went on to be a star on his high school varsity team, but the younger brother quit after his freshman year.  His father was livid.  He yelled and screamed at his son and asked him why he would want to quit.  The dad was so distraught that he even came in and talked to me about it.  He then sent the son to me so that I could straighten him out.  But in talking with the younger son, it became clear that he quit mainly because he wanted the comparison between his older brother and him to stop.  His dad would tell him to try and do things the way his older brother would, and when he just couldn’t physically, it made his dad angry and they would usually both steam off the field in an angry manner.  This kind of scenario happens all too often, and it brings great discouragement to children.  Those feelings of discouragement may be hidden from the parents, but they are very real to the child.

◾Exact copy syndrome.  Many fathers forget that his children will be different from him.  As your child grows up, you have to remember that your son has a right to have ideas of his own and does not need to be an exact copy of you.  You have to let your kids be themselves.  My dad has always been mechanically inclined, but early on, it was obvious that I was made differently from him.  It always made me feel guilty that I just couldn’t learn certain mechanical things as fast as he did.  But then one day he said something to me that freed me from my guilt of thinking I had to be just like him in that area.  He told me that he was good with “things” and I was good with “words.”  And that is how God made us.

◾Neglect.  Too many children have parents who are very concerned about getting them into the right colleges, buying the best clothes, the most expensive toys, and the most interesting vacations.  Parents work very hard these days, and they’re acquiring things that they feel are important for their children.  And yet, they are forgetting a vastly more important thing.  They’re not spending time with their children, at least not very much.

Fathers should raise children with TENDERNESS.  The word translated “bring them up” means “to nourish, to provide for with tender care.”  Masculine men are tender men.  This does not mean they cease being strong with their children, but it means that they have a balance.  Children can quickly become embittered toward fathers when tenderness is missing.  What is tenderness?  It’s a sensitivity toward others.  It is especially important that fathers be tender toward their daughters.  A man who does not convey acceptance, warmth, tenderness, and compassion can easily embitter his daughter deeply.

Here are a few tips that can help a dad develop tenderness with his children:

◾Listen to them and respect their feelings.  When my oldest daughter had her own fish tank in her room, something inevitable happened: one of her beloved fish died.  It was a gold fish.  It was replaceable.  We could just buy her another one.  But those words would not console her feelings about the dead fish.  She wept almost uncontrollably for the fish to the extent that I wanted to tell her not to worry about, that it was just a fish.  But I saw that her heart was broken for something that was very special to her and so I listened to her and respected her feelings.  Even though it was not that important to me, and even though I could rationalize it by remembering that we had at least a dozen other fish, it was important for me to just comfort her in her loss.  So we took the departed goldfish and placed him in the toilet bowl and I said a prayer to God thanking Him for allowing us to have such a good goldfish and for allowing us to enjoy him for the week we had him.  And then we flushed him down.  And I regret that we flushed him down the toilet bowl because she started asking questions about where that toilet led and then got the idea that it lead to the sea and that the sharks would come and eat the goldfish and that made her cry even more.  And to make matters worse, she refused to go to the restroom on that toilet for the next week.  Her thinking was not rational, but sometimes as a parent, we need to respect their feelings even if they don’t make sense.  This is tenderness.

◾Be “high touch” and dispense liberal doses of encouragement.  Many young women who opt for immoral sexual relationships do so because they can scarcely remember a time when their father showed her physical affection.  Unaffectionate dads, without ever wishing to do so, can trigger a daughter’s promiscuity.  If there is one thing that I learned from my dad, it was how to be highly affectionate with his children.  When we were younger, we always knew that we would receive huge sloppy kisses from dad when he was leaving for work or when he was tucking us into bed at night.  Now, when you’re a teenage guy, it isn’t too cool to have your dad smack a kiss right on your lips before you head out the door to be with your friends.  So, we changed the kissing method from the lips to the cheek.  There was one thing that we knew as kids: dad and mom cared deeply for us and they showed it with a great amount of affection and encouragement with their words.

Fathers should raise children with FIRMNESS.  The word discipline may be described as training by means of rules and regulations, rewards, and when necessary, punishments.  It refers to what is done to the child.  The word instruction is training by means of the spoken word (i.e. teaching, warning, or encouragement).  It refers to what is said to the child.  The purpose of this discipline and instruction is to build the child.  Children need to know what the limitations are.  They need fathers who love them enough to set boundaries and keep them.  Children need fathers who are in control.  There are too many families in America where the children are in control.

Do you take the lead in matters of discipline in the home, or do you leave it to your wife?  According to Ephesians 6:4, it is clearly your responsibility.  That doesn’t mean that your wife doesn’t discipline your children, but it does mean that you are the one who sets the standards, enforces the standards, models the standards, and appropriately disciplines when the standards are violated.

Who is in control at your house?  You or the kids?  How would your kids answer that?  Some men have a problem with being too firm and not being tender enough.  Others have a problem with being too tender and not firm enough.  Fathers are to be firm at times and flexible and tender at other times.  It takes the wisdom of God to know which is appropriate.

Fathers should raise children IN CHRIST.  Discipline and instruction that are not “of the Lord” can quickly turn into verbal or physical abuse.  When a father disciplines and instructs his child “in the Lord” he is under the control of the Holy Spirit.  This allows a father to raise their children in fairness, tenderness, and firmness.  Without Jesus Christ leading us as parents, we will lose control and will fail miserably in these areas of being a parent.  Dads, remember that your greatest asset in leadership is to do it “in Christ.”  Christ will be the One who gives you all you need to be the leader of your home.  If you lead with Christ as your ultimate leader, you will never have to worry about “messing it up.”