Tag Archives: Jesus

The Day our Baby Died (part 1)

 

True love is found in the tears, the touch, and the presence of just being there.

 

On Thursday, March 16, 2006, my wife Amy had an ultrasound. We found out that our little baby was a girl. There was no doubt about it. How exciting that was! Our daughter Lily would have a little sister to play with and she could have the same relationship with the new girl that mommy had with her three sisters. We drove home that afternoon and talked about names for our little daughter who would be visiting us early July. We liked the name Claire. Little did we know that she would be visiting us in just over a week.

Saturday morning, March 25, 2006, was the last time Amy felt Claire move. By evening, she thought that it was odd, so she told me. I am not a worrier, so I told Amy that maybe Claire was just sleeping. A couple hours went by, but no movement. So we got out our Doppler, an instrument used to tract a baby’s heartbeat. We could not find the heartbeat. Once again, I tried to down play the situation by saying things like: “Maybe she’s in a difficult position.” Or, “Maybe the placenta is in the way.” Or, “Maybe she’s sleeping and her heartbeat is really slow.” When you want to comfort your wife you sometimes say things that don’t make total sense. Amy kept asking me what I thought, and I didn’t want to tell her. I knew in my heart that we should be able to hear a 6 month old baby’s heart beat. But we couldn’t. The entire night, I wanted to tell Amy that everything was alright, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I knew that everything was not alright.

Neither of us slept Saturday night, for we knew something was not right in Amy’s womb. So early Sunday morning, we went to the ER hoping to be told everything was fine and then be back in time for church.

As we walked into the ultrasound room, I understood that this room was going to bring finality to the answer that I already knew deep down in my heart. The ultrasound tech tried to find the heart beat a few times and then told us with kind, sorrowful words, “I’m sorry guys.” Our fears had not been in vain. Our second daughter was dead. When the doctor walked in and looked at Claire’s lifeless body, he confirmed it also. I didn’t want to accept it, so I asked him if he was sure. If he was one hundred percent positive that she was dead. She was gone, without a doubt.

A few days before we didn’t have a clue that March 26 was going to be our second daughter’s birthday. And death day. But that is how life works. We are rarely given a warning before a storm comes into our life. The pain was excruciating. The first several hours I was numb. Throughout the day, a verse kept coming into my mind, just comforting me and giving me a strength that could only come from the One who died for me:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness…. I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Up until that point in my life, I might have told you that I needed strength from God, but on that day I experienced it more fully than I ever had in my life. It was almost as if God breathed a supernatural strength inside of my aching heart and that breath from God gave me a peace that transcends all understanding. I am convinced that most Christians don’t understand what it means to be weak and strong at the same time. When this happens, the love of God wraps His arms around you and you fall in love with Him more than you ever knew you could. That is what happened for me. I know that this might sound strange, but instead of feeling angry or even asking God why this happened, I just wanted Him to know how much I loved Him. And that gave me strength.

Later that evening Amy gave birth to our little Claire. When a woman gives birth to a child, everyone expects her to have pain, but at the end of the labor, she has a cute little baby to hold and love for the rest of her life. What made it so hard for us and especially Amy, is that she had to feel excruciating pain and suffering which would result in a dead baby. And place upon that a fear of what to do with the baby once it was born. We had many questions race through our minds as we were waiting for a moment filled with anxiety and hopelessness.

What will we do when Claire is born?

Will I want to look at her?

Will I want to hold her?

I have to admit that when I first found out that our daughter was dead, I just wanted her to come out of Amy and then have them take her away. I wanted to try and forget about her. I wanted to act as if she never existed. I wanted my wife to be pregnant all over again with a new baby and have the joys that come with expecting. We knew that Claire was a human being from the moment she was conceived, it says it very clear in Scripture:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I set you apart” (Jeremiah 1:5).

But there was a part of me that just wanted to live in denial that I was actually losing a daughter. A daughter who would never get to play with Lily. A daughter who would never learn her numbers from mommy. A daughter who would never get to know her four godly grandparents. A daughter who would never know the joys and pains of life. A daughter who would never graduate from college. A daughter who would not walk down the aisle with her daddy to be given to a guy that would never be good enough for his little princess.

We did decide to hold her. And we are glad that we did. She was twelve and one quarter inches long and weighed one pound five ounces. All four grandparents were able to hold her. I think it made it more real for them to touch her little hands and feet.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, at 4:00 pm we had a private family graveside burial for Claire. It was hard for us to see her in the little eighteen inch casket. My wife kept saying over and over that they shouldn’t have to make caskets that small. At first, I wasn’t going to say anything at the funeral, but I felt that I would someday regret it if I didn’t. I shared that we decided to only give her a first name and last name to symbolize that she had a beginning and an end, but never lived in the middle. She never breathed a single breath outside the womb. Therefore, we felt that it was only fitting that she didn’t have a middle name. I also shared that Claire means “clear,” or “pure.” Even though she was conceived a sinner, she never had a chance to sin, therefore giving her purity. Lastly, I told my family that we were not angry with God, or with any other human being. We were struck by an immense sadness. Sad because we had so many hopes and expectations for our little Claire and it was now lost.

 

Why did she die? Apparently it was an umbilical cord problem. The cord got twisted and cut off her oxygen. The death certificate stated that she died of anoxia. Anoxia is simply a lack of oxygen. Claire was a perfectly formed baby and the only thing that was wrong with her was a twisted umbilical cord. There is nothing we could have done differently. It was a freak thing.

Apart from the physical cause of death, why did she have to die? In the days following Claire’s death, I was told many different reasons why God might have taken her before she was born. I am sure that all of the comments were well-meaning. Also, I understand that it is hard for people to simply be silent in these kind of situations, so they say things that are well-meaning, but not really helpful to the situation. Here are a few of the theological reasons people gave us:

“God just wanted to be with her in heaven.” This was my response in my head: God has all eternity to be with Claire, why does He need to be with her before allowing her to live for seventy or eighty years on this earth. This is just not going to ease the immediate pain of losing our daughter.

“God has a way of getting rid of a deformed child before it is born.” I’ll have to be honest with you. I was offended the most at this comment. If you think about it logically, if God has a way of weeding out deformed children, then why are some of them born and live to maturity on this earth? Also, you are saying that a deformed or handicapped child is not worth a life here on this earth. I wholeheartedly disagree with that reasoning.

“It was God’s will that your baby died.” Technically you’re correct. But that doesn’t ease the pain at all. Was it really God’s will that a baby died before she could breathe a breath of air? Or could it be because of something else. Something that is not God’s will? Something God allows, but not necessarily is in His will.

Also, people have tried to comfort us with other well-meaning thoughts:

“You can always have another one.” In all honesty, when I first found out that Claire had died, I wanted to get pregnant again right away and just try to forget about this one. But over time I realized that we needed time to grieve the loss of Claire. She was our second child and will always be our second child. No one else will ever be our second child. She is irreplaceable.

“At least she didn’t have to experience pain or crying.” But isn’t that what life is all about? Life is full of pain. Pain is not such a bad thing. Pain shouts to us loudly that we are fully alive! I thank God for pain because when a week or month goes by and I don’t feel pain, I’ll know that my name is finally in the obituaries.

“Just give it a couple weeks and you’ll be fine.” I’m not sure that time ever completely heals. The pain of losing Claire so early in her existence will always be there. It has been eight years now, and yet when I allow myself to think about how Claire would be in second grade this year and probably playing a little basketball by now and maybe even venturing out into the woods to hunt with daddy, this brings an intense sadness to my soul. When these thoughts enter our minds about all that we will miss with her here on this earth, we become sad again. Time does not heal wounds. Jesus heals wounds. And the wound of losing Claire will never be completely healed until we get to heaven and see our second daughter face to face and have our tears wiped away by our Alpha and Omega.

Why did I share some of these comments with you? Those comments never helped us on our journey towards healing. In fact, some of the comments just produced more hurt. Just remember that what you say to people during their times of grief can either give them tremendous comfort for their soul or intense anguish for their minds. Here is what a grieving person wants to be told:

“I love you and I am so sorry for your loss.” That is it. Don’t try to fill the silence that might seem awkward at times. Don’t be scared to hug the person who is grieving. The most powerful moment of healing for me happened when a good friend walked into our hospital room and simply put his arms around me and started crying with us. That is what we needed. The shortest verse in the entire Bible has become famous for a reason: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Jesus knew all the theology in the universe and He didn’t use any when comforting Martha and Mary. He simply cried with them. When is the last time you have cried with someone?

When you are visiting with a person who has just experienced a loss in their life, let your words be few. As a pastor, I see tragedy too much. Claire’s death has taught me that one of the most powerful gifts I can give to people when they are sorrowful is the gift of just being there. I have sat with people (sometimes for a couple hours) when almost nothing was spoken the entire time. In some situations, well-spoken words can have a healing effect. But there are some tragedies that makes words feel empty. And true love is found in the tears, the touch, and the presence of just being there.

Click here to read Part 2.

Would you DIE for the GOSPEL?

This weekend, a segment of my sermon will focus on the phrase “I am not ashamed of the gospel.”  Over and over in my mind, I keep asking myself, what does it look like for someone to not be ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ?  After pondering this thought for several days, I believe there are three encounters that will determine whether or not we are ashamed. 
    
Encounter #1: If we face DEATH because of our faith,  will we decide that life with Jesus in heaven is more important than this earthly life?  This encounter with death is foreign to 99.9% of American Christians.  At this point in our nation’s history, we do not have to chose between following Jesus and waking up to see another day.  But many of the early Christians faced the reality of dying for their faith.
 
Those closest to Jesus Christ when He was walking this earth were so convinced that Jesus was the Son of God (a.k.a. God Himself) that they were all willing to die for following Him.  Take for example, the apostles of Jesus.  All, except for John, were killed.  According to church tradition, here is how all twelve of the apostles died (note that Matthais replaced Judas).
 
Peter was considered the leader of the twelve, but during the final hours of Jesus’ life, he denied Jesus three times and finally deserted Jesus so that he would not be killed along with Jesus.  But something happened to this coward.  The resurrection account in Luke shows us that Peter didn’t even believe the women when they told him that Jesus was raised from the dead.  He ran and found out for himself.  Guess what? Peter showed up in Jerusalem preaching boldly, at the threat of death, that Jesus was the Christ and had been resurrected.  Tradition teaches us that Peter was crucified upside down (he requested to be upside down on the cross because he didn’t think he was worthy to be crucified exactly like his Savior).  What transformed him so dramatically into a bold lion?  He saw the resurrected Christ!  Andrew was crucified on an x-shaped cross.  James (son of Zebedee) was killed with the sword.  Interestingly, John faced martyrdom when he was placed in a huge basin of boiling oil during a wave of persecution in Rome. However, he was miraculously delivered from death. John was then sentenced to the mines on the prison island of Patmos. He wrote his prophetic book of Revelation on Patmos. The apostle John was later freed and returned to what is now modern-day Turkey. He died as an old man, the only apostle to die peacefully.  Philip was crucified.  Bartholomew was whipped to death, then placed upon a cross to show everyone he died.  Doubting Thomas said he wouldn’t believe that Jesus was raised from the dead until he had put his finger in the nail prints.  Thomas later died a martyr’s death for Christ by having a spear thrust through him.  Was he deceived?  He bet his life he wasn’t.  What changed Thomas?  He saw the resurrected Christ!  The ex-tax collector Matthew was killed with a sword.  James (son of Alphaeus) was crucified.  Thaddaeus was killed by arrows.  Simon was crucified.  Matthais, the one who replaced Judas, was stoned and then beheaded.
Each of these men were willing to die for the gospel message because they had no doubt that their eternal home was secure in heaven.  They were not “ashamed of the gospel.”  There might come a day when you will be faced with the same question the apostles were faced with: follow Jesus and be killed, or deny Jesus and live your life out here and yet forfeit your eternal life.  I pray and hope that you will have the courage to die for your faith if it comes to that someday.
Encounter #2: If we face RIDICULE because of our faith, will we decide that our reputation with Jesus is more important than what others say about us here on earth?  Many Christians have been mocked and made fun of because they believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I was seventeen years old the first time I was ridiculed for my faith in Jesus Christ.  I was sitting in English class and that day a substitute teacher was leading the class discussion and the topic turned to religion.  He started teaching universalism, the belief that all religions lead to heaven eventually.  I raised my hand and made this statement: “Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven.  If someone doesn’t believe in Jesus Christ they will go to hell.”  The room became totally silent.  One of my friends looked at me (who was not a Christian), and she asked me point blank: “So what you are telling me is that if I don’t believe in your Jesus, then I am going to go to hell when I die?”  At this point, I wanted to remain silent.  But something inside of me influenced me to open up my mouth and answer her: “Yes, I do believe that you will go to hell if you don’t place your trust in Jesus Christ.”  Then the substitute teacher chimed in on the discussion.  He looked at me and asked me how I could be so arrogant as to think that this nice girl sitting next to me was going to hell just because she didn’t believe in the right god.  I admitted that it sounded harsh, but I also stated that it was the truth.  I looked her in the eyes and told her that I don’t want her to go to hell, and that God doesn’t want her to go to hell.  But if she never asks Jesus Christ to be the Leader and Forgiver of her life, then she will eventually end up in hell.  The substitute teacher once again “mocked me.”  He scolded me for thinking that Christianity is the only way to heaven.  He said, “That is the problem with some Christians, they think that everyone else is going to hell.  I just can’t accept that kind of religion.”
Soon after this, the bell rang and we were off to another class.  Two things happened after that class.  First, several of this “unsaved” girl’s friends gave me dirty looks and ignored me for a few days.  Second, other students came up to me when we were in the hallway and thanked me for standing up for our faith.  I said to them, “No problem,” but I was angry inside at them.  They were ashamed of the gospel that day in class.  They remained quiet and so one Christian student was mocked and ridiculed by a self-proclaimed philosophy guru who was disguised as a high school substitute teacher.  Even though I was angry at my Christian classmates for not standing up for the gospel with me, I was glad that I was ridiculed.  There is a joy that can be found in standing up for your Savior that cannot be found in anything else we do in life.  We shouldn’t try to do things to be ridiculed, but when it does happen, we should react like the early apostles did when they were persecuted: “rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name” (Acts 5:41).
It is my prayer that when my daughters get old enough that they will not be ashamed of the gospel.  Instead, when they are ridiculed for their faith, that they will stand firm and will not back down.  I want to instill within them a faith that will never be shaken, no matter how unpopular they might become.
Encounter #3: Do we become UNEASY around others because their actions do not measure up to God’s standards?  You might find yourself in awkward scenarios when you are with unbelievers because of our faith.  Every Christian has encountered this.  This last fall I helped co-coach my daughter’s soccer team.  The other coach on the team got really mad one practice at the players and said a couple curse words in from of them.  This made me really uneasy.  So, I confronted her when the kids were running laps at the end of practice that I really didn’t want her to curse in front of them anymore.  And then I felt led to say this to her: “If you need to curse in front of me, I can handle it.  I don’t like it, but I can handle it.  But I really don’t want my daughter and the other kids learning words like that as part of their vocabulary.”  She agreed and apologized and her husband, who was there said that she shouldn’t be cussing in front of a pastor anyway.  I responded: “Don’t worry about me, worry about God.  I am not the holy one, God is the holy one.”  We all laughed.
It would have been really easy for me to just bite my lip and act like the curse words were no big deal.  But they were a big deal because one of them used the Lord’s name in vain.  I can handle a number of curse words, but not that one.  To not stand up for my God in a situation like that is to be ashamed of the gospel.
I write these things because for every Christian who is obnoxious about their faith and is too “in your face” about his or her faith, there are 1,000 Christians who keep their light hidden for no one to see.  I wonder why that is?  Why are so many Christians so silent about their faith?  It is my prayer that the next time you encounter uneasiness, ridicule, or maybe even death because of the gospel, that you are not ashamed!