We all deal with the death of a loved one differently. When I shared the news about my mom’s death to my two younger daughters, they both reacted with diverse emotions. The timing was not ideal, because it was right after their soccer practice. As the three of us gathered in my F-150 pick-up truck, I delivered the devastating news.

This was the hardest thing I did after my mom’s death: deliver the news to my two younger children. My older two daughters were with my mom when she died, so they were able to process her death with me at the same time.

In response to the bad news, big tears streamed down my ten-year-old daughter’s face. But my seven-year-old asked, “You’re just joking, Dad. Right?” For several minutes, she refused to believe me. She kept repeating that I was only joking. Her response broke my heart even more, because she didn’t want to accept this as reality.

I assured her that I would never joke about something like this and I asked her to look at my tear-filled eyes as proof of grandma’s death. She started to tear up.

“Can I hug you two?” I asked. The three of us huddled and wept in my truck for several minutes. Grandma was dead, and we could do nothing about it other than cry and hug. And so that is what we did.

As I am writing this, it has been forty days since my mom’s death. I have felt many emotions and watched other family members work through their grief in their own unique way. But I have also noticed that some avoid this process of grief, and that will harm them in the future.

It is not my goal to take you through a grief cycle or a mourning process, because there are no clear action steps to feel whole again. Yet, by talking through a few feelings that flash within our hearts in the weeks after the death of a loved one, it will help you deal with some pain that you are experiencing or will encounter in the future.

In the past, I would bottle it all up and say to others, “I am doing fine.” When we bottle up our feelings and act as if “life goes on” and that “all is good”, we don’t give ourselves a chance to become whole.

We have noticed this with one of our daughters. She doesn’t want to talk about grandma’s death. She doesn’t want to look at pictures of grandma. She seems to desire a world where grandma never existed. In her heart, she thinks that this will ease her pain, but she will do damage to her soul for the rest of her life if she doesn’t deal with it.

As I explain these emotions, I will present them as if we are having a conversation with God. God tells us to bring our weary burdens to Him, and He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28). God is the one who will heal you as you work through your grief. So, please come along with me on this journey as we explore how important it is to give our emotions to Jesus. 

“God, I feel SAD.” An overwhelming sadness came upon me the moment my mom breathed her last breath. It was as if a part of my heart exited my body and went up to heaven. In many ways, time stopped. Nothing else really mattered. I just wanted to be around family. They understood what I was going through. They could feel and sense the same pain.

Some advice for how to be empathetic with those who are grieving. For those well-meaning individuals who try to explain to someone who just lost a loved one that they need to focus on the fact that they are in a better place and we should be happy for them, be careful. A grieving Christian knows this to be true, but it falls hollow to the ear of the one hurting. It is as if this truth needs to come from within the mourner for it to make an impact in their heart.

Rattling off “Bible truths” with the purpose of encouraging someone who has just lost a loved one can actually create a bitterness in that person’s heart. Why? Because if we don’t allow the mourner to work through the natural process of agony, sorrow, pain, hurt, sadness, anger and questioning, then we might produce someone who looks like they are handling the loss well and yet inside they are developing a root of bitterness either towards God, someone else or life itself.

Speak your sadness to God. Share with Him how you are not sure you can live without this person. Maybe you need to just sit in silence with God and cry, thinking about the tremendous loss of this wonderful person you had in your life. God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). God’s close presence in your life is exactly what you need in the midst of your grief, so don’t hide the fact that you are sad, but be honest with yourself and share your sorrow with others and with God.   

“God, I feel WORN.” Even the simple decisions seem too much for your brain. Small talk makes you want to scream (and you are screaming on the inside). Tiny household tasks send you back to bed or at least gives you a strong desire to take a nap on the couch.

God speaks to the reality of this feeling: “I am exhausted and crushed; I groan in despair” (Psalm 38:8). Another translation states, “I am completely worn out.” One more translation writes, “I am numb.” Maybe numbness is the best way to explain this emotion. There are times when the weight of the loss is so overwhelming that we refuse to connect to our emotions. We disconnect, feeling nothing instead.

In numbness, we hardly cry. We move the sad thoughts out of our mind immediately and busy our brains with something else. We believe that this is the right way to handle our loss, but it is the worst thing we can do.

Instinct shouts for you to bury yourself in distractions but not dealing with your loss will come back to bite you later.

It is natural to feel worn, exhausted and numb during the first few days after the death of a loved one, but you need to move beyond this feeling. It is not safe for you to stay here. We noticed one of our daughters settling into this numbness. Repeatedly, every chance we get, we tell her that it is okay to cry. And we cry in front of her. We show her that it is good to show emotion. She still doesn’t want to talk about it, but it is our job as parents to let her see the healthiness of crying and talking about how sad we are that grandma has passed.

Just telling God that you feel numb is huge. Because people who are numb do not want to acknowledge this dull pain they are feeling. Just understand that as you pray to God about this, it might open up the floodgates of anger. Although some people do not feel anger in the midst of grief, the path of anger is often necessary to pass through if you want to feel whole again after a devastating loss.  

“God, I feel ANGRY.” I visited my mom in the hospital just a few days before Easter. After a few hours, I told her goodbye and that I loved her. She mouthed these words, “Where are you going?” I told her that I was going to church. She mouthed again, “Why are you going there?” I explained to her that I needed to work on one of my sermons. She nodded, acknowledging that it was okay.

In that moment, I realized that I needed to tell her something. I looked at her and told her that Easter would not be the same without her cooking a big meal.

I paused in the middle of these words because I was holding back tears. In that simple moment of thanking her, I felt the fullness of my love for her. And then we had a moment I will never forget.

A tear trickled down her cheek. She smiled. She accepted my offer of appreciation to her. In that moment, the love between a mother and a son was known. She would make that meal for me a million times if she could. But her body wouldn’t cooperate. I would hug her a million times after eating that meal and tell her how good it was if I could. But there was no Easter meal to eat and there was no inner urge to celebrate. For life was departing her body, and I could tell that she was getting worse and not better.

Our family gatherings were special. In large part because of the care and preparation of my mom. She made a huge meal for 23 people. No one had to bring any food. As if all the food wasn’t enough, an hour after lunch she would bring out a candy tray for everyone. She knew how to make people feel loved.

We have gathered as a family serveral times since her death. But there is an empty place at the table that will never be filled. I don’t think I will ever get used to the fact that my mom will never again make me a meal on a Sunday afternoon. This thought makes me sad. And it also makes me angry because it just doesn’t feel fair.

My mom wasn’t young when she died. Almost seventy-five. But she also wasn’t really that old. I keep thinking about how nice it would have been to have five more years with her so that we could have more family gatherings with her, but that will never happen. When I spend time considering this reality, I become angry and feel a little bitterness take root in my heart. In these moments, my prayer to God sounds something like this:

“I’m not okay with her death, God. You took her too soon. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I wish You would have intervened and healed her. But You didn’t. We all prayed so much for her healing. But You allowed this to happen. I want to fix this and I can’t. God, I know that you tell me that you care about me, but it doesn’t really feel like it right now. God, I’m angry, but I’m trying to trust You.”

God wants our raw emotions. When it is just Him and you in the prayer room, why wouldn’t you tell Him how you are feeling? We act as if God can’t see into our hearts. He knows that I have feelings of anger, and He wants to hear me express those fiery emotions towards heaven. And when I do, I feel His love in return. Let me repeat that: when I share that I am angry towards God, He returns love and mercy to my heart. If you are angry about something, please release it to God, for He will trade it for His love and mercy, and you will be filled with peace.  

“God, I feel LONELY.” Have you ever been in a room full of people and yet felt like you were a million miles away? I have openly shared with many people over the last several weeks that I am not feeling overly social right now.

One of the best gifts you can give a grieving person is discerning how much space they need. Some grievers need lots of space, while other grievers desire to be around people constantly. The gift is to let the griever have enough space and support to heal. I need plenty of space right now. I know someone who wants to always be around others. Both can be unhealthy if we don’t make sure that the space is sacred. We make the space sacred when we sit alone in the comfort of God.

Have you ever felt like someone was smothering you with so much encouragement you couldn’t breathe? Remember that a good friend encourages, but not too much. A good friend visits, but not too much. The griever needs time alone to sort out the tremendous loss. It is natural to feel loneliness when a piece of you dies.

“Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16). It is good to venture into lonely places. But make sure the focus is not despair that produces depression. Make sure your deep thoughts lead you to prayer. Otherwise, you will sink further into a pit, and it will be hard to get out. You might not want to live too much in the land of the living when you are hurting because you notice that everyone around you seems to be enjoying life, but not you.

During the alone time, don’t keep your thoughts in your head, for your mind will tell you things that are not true. Your mind will lie to you and say that you will never be happy again, that your life is over, that no one really cares about you and that God is not real.

Too much alone time without speaking with God and you will become odd and bitter. 

Becoming odd means that you will lose the ability to fit into society and contribute the gift that God has given you. Becoming bitter means that you will resent those who have significant relationships in their life. But if you spend that alone time with God, you will become wise and sweet. Becoming wise means that you will comfort others as they also journey through a loss. Becoming sweet means that you will grant to others the grace needed to get through this messy and sometimes miserable life.

The choice is yours: odd and bitter or wise and sweet. Choose to be alone with God. For He is near the brokenhearted and He will help you heal your soul.

“God, I want to feel JOY.” When sadness, numbness, anger and loneliness are your constant friends, there eventually rises within you a desire to experience happiness. But this kind of happiness doesn’t come from our circumstances. This happiness is a deeper contentment. The Bible calls it joy.

In the midst of grief, one of the most powerful emotions you can hold onto is joy. You cannot create joy in your life. Joy happens when you allow God to comfort you. Allow me to explain with a story.

As difficult as it is to lose my mom, I have brief moments of joy when the Lord helps me realize the reality of eternity. I was mowing the lawn a few days ago and remembered how much my mom enjoyed mowing in the summer. She loved the freshly cut grass, the sun warming her arms as she steered around trees, the slight breeze on her face, the time to talk with God and consider a plethora of matters. For a moment, I thought, “I’m sure mom misses mowing.”

And then I caught myself. No. She doesn’t. She is in heaven experiencing the fullness and completeness of eternity. She does not miss mowing here on earth. She might be mowing in heaven, but that is probably far different from mowing on earth. In this moment, I swelled with joy. I was happy for her. She has reached her destination.